remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Welp...herpes.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Can vaginas get frostbite?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
