You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I enjoy the company of your penis
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
