I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he shaved USA in his pubs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
