It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
