And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
