Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
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He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Found the puke drawer
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
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I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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