Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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