he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
so much tequila, so little girl.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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