I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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