God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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