hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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