i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
