Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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