Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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