WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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