Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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