You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
