That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
