I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
