Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
