I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
