She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
