do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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