This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
