I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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