I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
