Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
