This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
