he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
