How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
