it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Everclear isn't food dammit
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
