I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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