I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
