no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
