Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
