i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
