He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
