Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
