ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Randomize
