There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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