a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
