I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
