God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
