phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
