I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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