if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just want to make out with him forever
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
