im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
