i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
