I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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