i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
