Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
