You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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