Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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