I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
