Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
