It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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