my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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